Lesbianne Musings

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“Chariots of Fire”

Let me preface this by sharing that in the few days since I started this blog my inner growth has grown exponentially. As soon as I set up my page with that gorgeous Osprey, I became blocked. When I made the decision to Blog I had many ideas and thoughts running through my head. Today I came face to face with a core issue, a lifelong issue, at least as long as this lifetime. That issue is the need to have everyone like me or approve of me. It is a bit embarrassing to admit but my commitment to this blog is to be FREE to speak my truth and to be ME without shame or apology. And by posting a non-detailed partial autobiography I expect to become FREE and ME.  Please know that I welcome all comments and replies. Thank you.

UPDATE TO MY PRIVATE FACEBOOK PAGE

In Jan. 2011 I was inspired to improve my health in every way.
I became part of a local weight loss challenge group called Playing Big Living Lean – PBLL. There were 13 participants, 2 facilitators/teachers, and lots of supporters. We were for the most part a cohesive group, good friendships were formed and continue to this day. The work we did included exercise, nutrition, classes to learn a new way of looking at and understanding ourselves, to empower ourselves to be responsible for changing our way of thinking to create a better life for ourselves, and to “fall head over heels in love with ourselves”, monthly formal class, and twice weekly telephone conferences, and weekly peer meetings, life issues education.
For me this was all about “getting a life” as I had been suffering from recurrent major depressions, morbid plus obesity, spiritual emptiness, low self-esteem, to start with, food addiction, deep loneliness, and and a lack of passion for anything. I knew I needed to find a passion and desperately wanted to, I knew I needed to love myself and put my own self and health and spirit first, I knew I lacked motivation, and much of the time a desire to continue living. I was single and felt very alone, but I knew I needed to “fix” me and get happy before I was ready to consider any other relationship.

In 2004 I had a mental breakdown, was hospitalized for 4 weeks and went on temporary disability. I took leave from work for 6 months to focus exclusively on my healing. The floodgates opened and my body, mind, soul took this opportunity to go into a healing crisis on every level. I went through breast cancer treatment twice, multiple life-threatening infections in either arm because of interference with the lymph system when I had my surgeries, the second in 2000 was a bilateral mastectomy. meningitis, brain tumor that required surgery in 2005 and Gamma Knife radiation in 2007. In between and around all the physical issues I had recurrent lengthy major depressions. Every time I thought I was ready to return to work, school, volunteer work, or such, something else would appear.
I worked intensively on my healing holistically which included therapy, acupuncture, energy work especially Reiki, also Spiritual Healings from different paths, massage therapy, nutrition, naturopathy, homeopathy, journalling, art therapy, and multiple inpatient treatments and hospitalizations. I also had PTSD from early abuse, physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and sexual. Sexuality was an issue as at about age 30 I discovered I am a lesbian, and I’ve had much internalized homophobia, something that is less today but still appears. Also Spiritual healing includes healing from a religious childhood that I internalized as “myself being so bad even God couldn’t love me”. I was raised in a conservative, fundamentalist, judging, critical, hell fire and brimstone Protestant Church.
I’d like to acknowledge that this crisis didn’t appear out of the blue. The first time I had a therapy session my goal was “to make my husband stop beating me up and stop drinking”, when asked at that time was I angry I was puzzled, and said “no”. After all I was a nice woman and nice women/girls be nice, they don’t get angry. I had far to travel.
I know now that my depression was interfering with my life by age 14, and my food addiction, to sugar especially, started before age 5.

The PBLL group in 20011 came at a time when i was feeling healthy and well, but very downtrodden because of unmet needs and not a clue how to start loving myself and finding my passion. I expected the 9 months the group ran would deliver a brand new me. Did that happen? Err, no quite, but it brought me far.
2012 I coasted trying to maintain the 60 lbs weight loss, continuing to deal with my food addiction, depressive episodes, dislike of exercise and always the underlying loneliness and sadness.
2013 is my year to make major changes. I am both excited and nervous as I’m taking that leap, finally ready to jump off that cliff, spread my wings and see where I find myself, haha, probably literally and figuratively.
Okay I am ready to start a new life. And I’ve already implemented several new tools. While writing doesn’t feel like a passion (yet) I suspect it may become so as I’ve been doing it since I learned the alphabet, and over the years have had much support and encouragement to write.
Finally a couple of weeks ago I started a blog to challenge myself. And once I got it set up I found myself immediately blocked. Today I think that is because of fear to be me. All of my best writing over the years has included honesty and deep soul-searching. Intuitively I know that for me to feel whole and happy I have to be completely honest. Also I’ve had many life experiences that I share about freely with people I meet. I think my truth maybe is that I need to start sharing myself openly so that I can reach out to those who could benefit from my experiences.
I was a victim, then a survivor, now I am moving into thriving and deserve to support that in every way I can. Writing openly, claiming myself as a woman who deserves to take up space in this world and to breathe the air I breathe is now my new challenge.

Re my BLOG. It is/going to be more so, open, honest, with my life thoughts, feelings and experiences. Some of it is going to be hard for some people to swallow, especially those that have known me most of my life and are struggling to justify still liking me even though I’m a lesbian. I will not let that stop me and I make a commitment to myself and you special friends that i’m going for the gold. I will not let fear of judgement or criticism stop me. I drop my lifelong need to be liked by everyone. I’m okay and you are okay. My blog will be perhaps my own special “Chariots of Fire” – hear that awesome uplifting music now!

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9 Comments

  1. This is the most honest, open, and moving blog post I have EVER read. I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know you over the past months and I KNOW 2013 is your year!!!

  2. Thank you, DC. I felt proud and affirmed when I read your comment – I know this is the “right” way for me to go. We all have to go how feels best. TY 🙂

  3. Ava

    Sometimes all someone needs to know is that they are not alone. You have bestowed this gift through your most recent post. “Thank you” seems woefully inadequate in light of all you have shared, but it is meant with the utmost sincerity. The world is far richer by your presence.

    • Ava, what a lovely response. Thank you for your heartfelt comments. 🙂

  4. Sylvia redfern

    Thank you for that wonderful heartfelt blog. Your writing is compulsive because honesty flows through it. I hope it delivers all the freedom you desire

    • Thank you, Sylvia! I think this piece I wrote is paving the way for what is yet to come. I planned to write about mundane topics while I “warmed up”, but writing some of my truth seemed to open the gate. Thanks for your reply. 🙂

  5. Courageous early post! Do speak your Truth without fear. You may (not) be surprised to find that your most intensely personal experiences are actually almost universal, & that others will thank you for giving voice to what they did not.

    • Thank you for your comment, FemOutLoud. Yes, that is so. Years ago I thought some of my experiences to be unique. As I’ve continued on my healing path I’ve found most of the experiences I shared in this piece are almost universal. I do hope others might benefit in some way from my speaking my Truth. 🙂

  6. General comment – my blog is not a journal. While it is easier to define what it is not than what it is, I will say that I do personal journaling and have for years, inconsistently. My blog is a stepping stone toward my becoming more comfortable with writing my own Truth with less restraint, and more discipline. Some of what I blog about will include topics I do journal. Hopefully other blog posts will be just for fun, for info, or simple little anecdotes I feel compelled to share. This is a living process, ongoing, and while I have general expectations of myself and this blog, I don’t have any set goal of accomplishment. I do have a desire that some of my writing will touch others in a helpful way. FREE to BE me is my intention.

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