Lesbianne Musings

Welcome. I love feedback. Love is the answer. Peace , Love and Acceptance. Peace! !
Anne and Rusty

God Love Her; Apparently I Can’t

As of this moment I am more out than in of the most romantic/love/intimate relationship I’ve ever known.

Be careful what you pray for/ask the Universe for – as apparently one is given what one needs rather than what one wants. Everything that happens in life can become a “teaching” or a spiritual lesson if we choose to find the positives in it. Be careful of thinking you’ve done your personal work and are now whole and intact again ready to reap the rewards.

Confusion has vied for biggest feeling for nearly 3 of the  4 months I’ve known this woman. God, has it only been 4 months – it feels like many years so much intensity has happened. For my peace of mind and overall well-being I need to let her go and move on with my life. We met on a dating site – she wrote me and as I’d stopped going on dating sites. I considered long whether I’d reply or not – at least several hours. Her photos didn’t appeal to me; she wasn’t my “type” – not my usual type anyway. However so much about her profile intrigued me that I did reply – poet, she wrote her profile in a poem, life values and personal ethics, education and career choices, love of nature, mother of young adults, focus on health and wellness and spiritual growth – perfect.

Right away both of us agreed that we were in life places where we wanted only lightheartedness and positive relationships; both of us had a long history of too much drama and trauma followed by years of healing that. Both of us, on our individual journeys, wanted no more of such. We both are older and wise of course because of all those life experiences. It appeared we were on parallel paths in our lives. We now both have entered our 7th decades – gasp! Yes, really! Older and wiser! really? to many extents yes I do believe so – when it comes to matters of the heart I am not at all sure any more. How to decide? Follow the head? Follow the heart? Most people say follow the heart. One dear friend gave me this advice, “Go for someone who is not your “usual type”. That is what I did after many failures with those who were “my type” and we now have been married 10 years, are raising 2 children, and love each other very much.” Okay – soooo I went with my heart and I also chose someone who was not “my type”.

I was clear that I want a woman in my life as my life partner who is whole, healed, and happy all on her own as an individual. I see myself as also having those characteristics. I am ready to be in a relationship that I choose to be in because I WANT to share my life with another, not because of NEED.

Both of us have a few chronic health issues, both physical and emotional including both of us have PTSD from early childhood trauma. Both of us believe and desire communal living situations, and being easy on our Earth. We emailed a while, then began phone conversations. We actually met face to face 3 weeks after first contact – already it seemed we had known each other for a long time. That first day was magical, we met for brunch and planned to spend the day together if we got along okay. It was instant attraction on every level at first meeting! ! (I’ll be aware of that from now on). However our first date was shortened by Mother Nature when it started snowing hard. We were expecting a heavy snowstorm to start that night so we were surprised by the unexpected early snow. As prudent wise women we parted so she could safely return home about 25 miles from my hometown. Then, surprise! The snow stopped! Completely! Later I learned on the weather report we’d had a snow squall, and the expected storm came as forecast, later that night.

Okay  – we’ve had only 2 negative incidents – only? Both lasted a long time – the second is still happening. The first started when I returned to my home – she brought me – after a long tiring day where several things rapidly went wrong, as in unexpected with opposite to planned results. I had a meltdown. She reacted by “disappearing”. Have you ever seen someone disappear who is sitting right in front of you? When I noticed that I was concerned and started being careful not to become loud or overly reactive. Too late. Then she decided she needed time apart to decide how she felt about what happened. Well, that elicited my abandonment and rejection fears and I reacted to that. Time passed and we worked it through making plans how to better handle such things if/when it should come up again.

Second time we were traveling to another city to see a medical specialist for a serious matter of hers that needed treatment. I was driving her car as driving increased her pain. What happened was a series of orders from her telling me what to do, how to drive. The first 3 times I was able to shrug them off. On the way home she became more terse with her orders and told me to do things that were so obvious that I replied “I AM” irritably. “YOU snapped at me!” Sigh! I was shocked at this reprimand because I didn’t think I had, but I did. The 6th occurrence when she barked “35” at me because I was driving over the speed limit I finally said, “you could drive” – by this time she was only using one words or abrupt phrases, “That would work!” So I pulled over and we exchanged places. I WISH I could do that over – after pulling over to the side of the road I would give her a choice – “do you want to drive or do you want to stop telling me what to do?” But alas I didn’t. The tension between us in the car became unbearable and I felt like a heel because I knew she was both in pain and also frightened about her upcoming procedure – I don’t know what she was feeling. And probably giving a choice wouldn’t have mattered.

When we got home to her place I expected both of us to lie down and rest. I was exhausted so that is what I did. When she didn’t come in for about 30 minutes I went to find her; she was rocking furiously looking out a window. It was hard for me to swallow my pride and go to her but I am trying to be a better person, trying to take the high road and be the person I would like to become, so “God help me” I prayed. And I gently spoke to her reassuring her it was safe to come and lie down, that I wasn’t going to pursue any arguing or anything negative, I just wanted to rest. “Thank you” she said and still didn’t appear.

About a half hour later I found her working furiously in her studio, banging and pounding things around. What to do? Finally I told her I felt uncomfortable and that I really didn’t want to be there if she didn’t want me to be. She said she wanted me to leave. My abandonment and rejection fears surged and I saw red, and knocked something to the floor deliberately giving it a smack with a full swing. (thank god nothing broke). Then I had an overwhelming urge to “go crazy” and destroy as much as I possibly could, but I had a 1/1 millionth of a window of grace in my mind in which I chose to walk away. (thank you god)i. I don’t think I’ve mentioned that together we had agreed we had been pulled together in relationship to be mirrors to each other for our spiritual growth, and that we would work through whatever came up as it did.

She drove me home and we have not discussed the incident since. We are barely speaking and she has blocked me from all of her Internet social sites. Twice we’ve tried to have “the talk” and once I was angry and couldn’t talk about it, and the next time she was angry and we didn’t talk.

All of this has been crazy-making for me – and for her too i think though i don’t pretend to read her mind. What to do? Put to work all of my coping skills I’ve learned over the many years of recovery therapy. Nothing seems to help. I’ve turned to spiritual healers and teachers and gained clarity and received healing balm from their hearts, hands and lips.

Finally consulted with an astrologer who is known for her spiritual approach and her ability to be accurate. I was told our relationship was meant to be a non-traditional life long friendship of each of us giving each other comfort, love, pleasure, security, and that there was a huge square in the middle of the relationship chart that would make it highly emotionally volatile and difficult, so that we should only be together for short periods of time, and that we could never successfully live together. Well, what to do? I consider astrology both an art and a science and have been helped in the past. I see Reality staring me in the face. I cannot argue with reality. I asked for clarification. I got it. I honestly do not think I am strong enough to be continuing such a relationship in a positive healthy way. This knowledge doesn’t help my heart pain. I am very sad. However I feel the Spiritual Lesson for me is – focus on me and my own life and fulfill my own life purpose. If a relationship is in my future lovely. If not, love myself and make myself happy for my own self, have lots of friends and continue my health and wellness pursuits and my spiritual healing.

As if to accentuate I might be on the right track My Angels have dropped a most precious gift of Unconditional Love into my lap. 5 days ago I became a foster mother to a rescued miniature poodle whose owner-since-puppyhood just died. I’d had a miniature poodle as my therapy dog who died at age 16 from old age 3 years ago. Rusty and I are getting on fabulously, he has settled in, we have bonded, and life is full of us loving each other unconditionally – well, he does this much better than I. Right now I’m not feeling so loving as he is refusing to take an ant–flea, anti-tick pill that cost $46. Yes I’ve tried everything – it is now mashed and in his food which he is not eating. However I adore him, we will solve this, and I am truly blessed.

And God, I let go and give her to you to love and take care of, I am only human and it is too much for me. I am so regretful and sad for my loss and that I have failed. Thank You.

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