Lesbianne Musings

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“WHY do I NOT LISTEN?????”

Why do I not listen to myself? to my intuition? to the wise inner voice? WHY??????? Perhaps I do not trust that part of myself enough? Perhaps. I do think it is more of an issue of wanting what I want and disregarding the intuition when it is guiding me away from what I want.

Here I am again. I’ve been here before. Why didn’t I listen? I wish I’d done such and such. I wish I hadn’t done such and such. How could I be so stupid? I’ve made a food out of myself yet again or worse – I’ve once again let someone else make a fool out of me because my need to be loved is so great I will believe anything, anyone who appears plausible to me.

Plausible to me includes intelligent, creative, well-spoken, either well-educated or highly interested in continuing to learn, honest and open – or appearing to be so, spiritual, focused on health and wellness and spiritual growth – or appearing to be – at least talking the talk and appearing to walk the walk. Having mutual personal ethics and morals – or appearing to have such, charm, charisma, sense of humor, appreciation of fun and laughter, and on and on.

When it comes to romance I swear I live in the fantasy world of my childhood. I make decisions with my fantasy mind. My longings, my yearnings for my unfulfilled needs to be met so intense that what I let roll off my back like water off a duck’s back is any glimpse of unwanted reality . I continue to act as if happily ever after really does exist. I only see and hear what I want to see and hear. I only believe what I want to believe. I have incredible ability to pull the blinds on glimpses I don’t wish to see. I quickly put on blinders  and keep them on. Even when the other person tells me something about themselves that is unpalatable to me or my wants and needs I don’t believe them. Oh I do believe what they are saying about how things usually are to them but I make an exception for how things will be with me, between us. I actually believe that I am so special that their love for me will cause them to behave differently this time, with me. For instance…

The first time I fell in love with a woman I rewrote everything she said to me about herself that did not fit in with who I wanted her to be. I wanted her to be totally in love with me, to think I was the best of everything she had ever known or wanted, to adore me, to cherish me, to make me her “cat’s meow”, the “apple of her eye”. When she told me she wanted to remain best friends with me and not to become lovers because in her experience sex ruins relationships; she believed best friends was the highest kind of love and the most lasting. I told her I understood. That was a lie. I tried to be who she wanted me to be – free-spirited, “love the one you’re with” like the hippies. Secretly I knew that when she and I became lovers she would be so entranced with me that she would never consider ever being lovers with anyone else. Well, it didn’t happen like that. Like Cinderella- happily ever after…not like that, never like that.

I don’t understand Reality. I don’t like it. It doesn’t feel good. It hurts.

This time, several times later it didn’t happen so totally differently. And it hurts. But I am not devastated. Just disappointed.

I received an email from a dating site from a local woman who wanted to meet me. I’d stopped going on dating sites a while before that, deciding to  let life takes its course and if I met someone face to face who was mutually interesting that would be good, and if not I would have a good life without being in a romance and that would be good, too. Since this woman was local I decided to give the idea some thought. I checked out her profile. Her photos didn’t appeal to me and I didn’t think she was “my type”. However, everything she wrote in her profile blended well with my own wants and desires. So I wrote back. We started emailing, then talking on the phone, then met face to face 3 weeks after first online contact. The rest rapidly became history.

Very soon after communicating it felt like we’d known each other for a long time. When we met it was all bells and whistles. We quickly fell into a love relationship and began planning to live together. Whenever I counted the time we’d been together it was surreal because it felt like we’d been together for a long time but actually it was only weeks. I don’t wish to belabor the difficulties of the relationship. All I can say is it quickly became very intense and very difficult. I felt confused and bewildered more often than not, not being able to grasp what was going on between us, or why there was so much pain.

It started quickly, it ended quickly. It was volcanic. It imploded. I still do not understand most of what went on, but I consulted an astrologer who did a relationship chart for me. Though our two birth charts side by side were beautiful and very positive the relationship chart had a very tough square in the middle of it having to do with a number of planets all being close and having to do with a Uranus/Mars connection that was very volatile and emotionally intense. My astrologer told me she would not attempt such a relationship because of the emotional explosiveness. Looking at that I felt like I was viewing Reality. And dreamer that I am I could not find an argument in favor of ignoring Reality. “I can’t ignore Reality. And I can’t change it, either.” I felt relieved to have an explanation that makes sense to me. I thought it very interesting the two of us should come together during this temporary situation – a difficult Uranus/Mars connection that was extraordinarily unusual to see in a relationship chart. According to the reading the difficulty will start to lift in 2017 and will completely pass in early 2019. Well. That is a long time to be in a painful and untenable situation. Well. Nothing else to do but to walk away and focus once again on myself, my life and strive to fulfill my own life purpose this time around. Apparently there are spiritual lessons to have been learned and I can only hope that I learn them. I do not want to ever experience such relationship pain and angst again in my life – ever. I didn’t want it this time either, and had I listened to my intuition I would not have responded to the initial contact by this woman, and I would not be suffering this way at this moment.

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