Dealing With My Biggest Problem First – My Own Anger
15 Ways to Get Someone Out of Your Head by Donna Jackson Nakazawa found on Google
My very own pain, my deep anger and my suicide ideation led me to hunting Google this morning – for “something”. I am in an all too familiar place of mentally living and reliving recent painful events. That always leads me to suicide ideation which always leads me to trying to find help for myself. I want to write about all this but do not want to get into the “she said, she did” details which is not helpful for me or anyone else. I am no longer satisfied simply writing in my personal journal. When I start I get impatient and antsy. I want to be heard but more than anything I want RELIEF; I long for peace of mind and heart. I have a life to live.
When I am mentally obsessed with recurring painful thoughts it obliterates everything else. This pattern has been lifelong. Since childhood I remember ruminating on painful thoughts, often falling asleep before I got anything resolved. At age 7 it was as simple as imagining myself “going to the state”, getting put into a foster home where I would be happy and loved, and “paying my parents back” for them not loving me. In grade school there were foster children in my class and these kids would get special visitors that would take them out of class for what I imagined were “special outings”. This looked really good to me – these kids got special attention, something I craved and rarely received. I was the oldest of 5 children so my childhood was largely about taking care of younger siblings and doing house chores. I was also very sensitive and took people’s words very seriously – Mom said I “wore my heart on my sleeve”. What can I say? I did; I still do, as much as I don’t want to and as much as I try to “toughen up”. I think I’ve changed a lot but probably it is more true that I understand myself a lot better than I did – it is truly difficult to change old patterns.
It isn’t that I haven’t done any personal work – I’ve done a lot. I consciously began “working on myself” in 1980 when I first went to a 12 step meeting, OA, Overeaters Anonymous and when I first went into counseling. I went to my first counselor in the late 70s to find out what I could do to get my husband to stop beating me up. I was clueless then. When the counselor asked me if I was angry my reply “no, nice girls do not get angry”. When he told me I couldn’t do anything to change my husband, or anyone else, I didn’t really believe him.
I can’t change anyone else but myself. I can’t undo the past. What happened happened. Where do I go from here? That is a rhetorical question of course. I’d like to move into a habit of gently loving and accepting myself.