Peace of Mind Being My Greatest Desire
Where to start?! I’ve been feeling angry! Now I’m feeling disappointed, hurt, rejected and sad. My depression has been lifting the past several days…and life keeps moving along…things happen…I think I can understand why some people would rather feel angry than hurt – it is a stronger feeling – one of having more control – an illusion most likely! ! My actual life desire is to have complete access to all my feelings for increased self-awareness. WHY would anyone want to do THAT???? Good question! Maybe so I can help others? Maybe Spiritual Growth – so I don’t have to “come back” and do it all again? Actually as a Person in Recovery it is a gift to be able to experience my feelings. As a survivor of early abuse who became addicted to substances to cope I learned to stuff my painful feelings until I didn’t even know who I was, what I thought or felt about anything. Truly. First time I saw a counselor in my late 20s I told him I was a “nice girl” who didn’t have any anger, who didn’t have any goals, who wanted to learn how to get my husband to stop beating me. OMG! ! ! I was so clueless – I thought I could change someone else’s behavior to get them to be good to me! And I didn’t have a clue what feelings were.
In the past two weeks I’ve lost 2 friends. As mostly an introvert I don’t have a lot of close friends and one of my personal goals is to socialize more and make some good friends “to do things with”. So it isn’t like I have a plethora of friends with plenty to spare. These two women quoted to me as reasons for ending our friendships – I – as in you, Anne, you are too – “too sensitive”, “you have too much drama”, and a lot more that I seem to have amnesia about now. But the message I got loud and clear is I am “TOO MUCH”! I struggled not to react, not to overreact, to maintain my self-respect because when told such things I tend to become defensive and I don’t like myself when I am like that. When I feel attacked it sometimes sets me off in ways that I hope never to repeat again in my life.
The first one meant a lot to me and was someone I’d spent a lot of time with and had a lot of hopes with – not staying in the present moment very well was I – the first one meaning the first woman who ended our friendship. All I can say is I did the best I could at that time. I really did.
The second one I had very little investment in – we were just getting to know each other and she said something to me that I wasn’t sure what she meant by it – so instead of assuming and attacking, I asked. I also took responsibility for my not understanding clearly and wanting to understand. She decided she didn’t want to invest any more energy, even as friends, in someone who “is too sensitive” where she will constantly have to be second guessing what she says and worry about how she is coming across. GEEZ. I get that! But when first getting to know someone it seems to me it is a good thing to clarify things when one isn’t sure. Sooo are there any adult women my age who’ve also done their personal work who are stable enough to be able to handle when someone else has feelings? or questions? I believe there are and I hope I run across some before long.
In the meantime – it is my responsibility to take good care of myself – something I can always improve upon, to take care of my dog, to write, to do the practices that enhance my happiness in life. One thing I know not to do and I’m trying not to do is take others’ assessments of myself personally. I understand all humans perceive things through their own life filters. I’d like very much to be content to allow another person to have their own thoughts and feelings without trying to change them and I’d even more like to feel good about myself. I’ve worked long and hard to make the personal progress that I’ve made and I do feel good about who I am today. It is really tough stuff growing a thicker skin but I am doing it. I’ll be the first to say I am far from perfect – I make mistakes – I sometimes do things I regret and wish I could change – But nowadays I am able to own up to my wrongdoing against others. When I was younger and very insecure I could not take responsibility as I was too fragile to admit my faults. That has changed. I am okay. I am more than okay. I am a good person and I deserve all the happiness that is possible to know in this world of ours.
I make a conscious choice to extend to others what I would like to receive – Kindness, Compassion, Love, Acceptance and Forgiveness. Why forgive? Not because anyone did anything wrong but so I can have peace of mind and heart. Until I forgive I tend to dwell on my hurts and ruminate on them but when I can forgive the person and Let it Go, believing we all do our best with what we know at any given moment then I feel at peace. Peace is my number one goal within myself. I would so much rather feel peace than hurt and anger and pain. Peace!