Lesbianne Musings

Welcome. I love feedback. Love is the answer. Peace , Love and Acceptance. Peace! !

Making Friends With The Dark Side

All of my therapists, spiritual teachers and healers, and wise friends have told me I must make friends with my dark side in order to fully heal and move on to a happy, healthy, and fulfilling life. Phew, that is so scary and I respond to that differently at different times. My stronger self eagerly agrees and gets started, then scares herself so badly she backs away and hibernates, sometimes for a long time. My insecure self backs away because of “what will people think of me?”. I hate having that thought, but have it I do. My warrior self says “do it for the highest good of all”. My fearful self says “I can’t”. A Course In Miracles tells us everything is manifested from either Love or Fear. Fear keeps me imprisoned; I know it. Love gives me courage to move forward. So why do I keep pulling back? It must be Fear.

The root of my dual thoughts, my seeming wishy-washy decision-making, my presently being  caught up in inertia and apathy in my life come straight from my childhood and my growing up in a dysfunctional home with dysfunctional adults in a largely dysfunctional community. My greatest quest in life has been for LOVE. Love. I have longed to be unconditionally loved and accepted. My biological father abandoned me in babyhood and when I was intermediate age of about 8 I created a fantasy which became a belief, a hope, and a lifelong quest; one that has not yet been found. When at age 17 I gave my father the opportunity to become my shining knight on a white horse he took advantage of my vulnerability, my desperate need for love and approval, for HIS love and approval, and sexually abused me for the next several years. I was so desperate to believe in his love for me that I allowed myself to be abused by him because I knew that if I didn’t give him what he wanted he would stop loving me which is ultimately what happened.

I believe my quest for a lifelong romantic partner and my successive failed relationships – one marriage, 2 committed relationships, 1 best friendship that later became romantic, and 2 attempts at dating to perhaps become life partners – , all monogamous on my part, can be traced back to this failed early relationship with my biological male parent. I was set on a path of unfulfilled love and longing at a wee age. I’ve been in recovery to heal this wound since 1980 – psychotherapy and addictions counseling.

To this day I long to be in a healthy and fulfilling love relationship. Recently I found a book that goes straight to the core of my relationship issues. “The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us” by Ross Rosenberg. Second byline – “Emotional Manipulators, Codependents & Dysfunctional Relationships”. The first line of the Introduction “This book is about love and the pursuit of one’s lifelong romantic partner” grabbed my attention as if I were a thirsty sojourner who happened upon a clear, cool spring in the middle of a desert. You will hear from me as I progress along this new pathway. As always, please, please do comment if you have something to add to this conversation.

Anne and Rusty

Today May 2015
Miniature Poodle Therapy Dog with Author

1 Comment

  1. Don’t be scared! Love yourself, dark side & the good one. . That’s you! God bless 🙂
    Do check out my writings too, will appreciate your reviews 🙂

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