Lesbianne Musings

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My Relapse Post Weight Loss Surgery

My Response to “Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead”  by Joe Cross and with Phil.

This film prompted me to get in touch with the facts of my relapse and my willingness to intervene now before any more time goes by.

I was quite impressed with Joe Cross’s story but to be completely honest I can’t remember much about it after watching Phil, the second man in the story whose story is told. Phil is a 42 year old Iowan long haul truck driver, father of 4 children. He weighs 429 lbs when he starts his 10 day juice fast. Joe comes to be with him the first of the 10 days and teaches him how to juice and walks with him that first day. Phil went through an expected rough detox but felt so well at the end of 10 days that he decided to do 10 more. I don’t want to give too many details but his entire outlook on life improved and at the end of the film he’d lost over 200 lbs, had a dramatic impact on helping an obese sick family member to start changing HIS life, and went on to become a motivational helper of others who wanted to lose weight and/or improve their health with juicing.

Seeing Phil at his top weight reminded me so much of myself at my top weight – I was sick, depressed, despairing, hopeless. I couldn’t stop eating and my quality of life was greatly impacted by my 384 lbs. I could almost feel his pain. Watching him walk on that first day inspired me to start walking again! (This is today, to start walking again tomorrow morning to help get back on track.)

Highest Weight  - End Dec. 2010 - 384 lbs.

I so want to help others who have lived lives as super morbidly obese adults who want to change their lives and improve their health, as I did. But first I have to continue to deal with my own continuing food addiction.

I had a VSG, vertical sleeve gastrectomy, or “the sleeve” in June 2013 and the total weight loss I achieved both preparing for surgery and post-op was 137 lbs.

During winter holiday season 2014 I lost control of my eating of sugar foods. My first lapse was in July 2014 when I was given a gift of a homemade blueberry bran muffin from a local bakery, and was so pleased that I almost forgot I was a sugar addict in recovery. But I remembered  – and I dismissed it telling myself once again that it’s been so long and I’ve lost so much weight of course I can eat this “healthy” muffin and I’ll be FINE – healthy because of the blueberries, bran and dark molasses. I was FINE for a few months, continuing to eat sugar and flour items and controlling the amount. But addiction is addiction and deadly, and waits patiently, and I fell hard. I still could eat very little and a family member had kindly prepared a sugar-free, flour-free pumpkin pie for me so I could have a dessert. That was thoughtful and kind of her AND I did NOT eat it. Prior to the meal I’d made the decision to have a pumpkin chocolate chip cookie  – and I couldn’t stop with one. I KNEW I was in trouble. The craziness of the addiction is I brought with me food I could have in case the meal should be late. I CHOSE to ignore that, too. The meal was very late. I ate small amounts when it was ready.

When it came time to come home I packed lots of leftovers – almost all sweets or other refined carbohydrates and I packed my sugar-free pumpkin pie. I was bingeing with my eyes and hands, planning for later when I had room in my stomach to eat. I was soooo out of control I was trembling, both with fear and with anticipation.

Thus I was “off to the races”  and over the next several months vacillated between going through sugar detox to get back on track AND bingeing – my post-op weight loss surgery WLS version of bingeing. Small amounts due to the VSG but eating all day long every time I became hungry – high calorie foods – at first one item per day and gradually it increased until that is all I ate all day long. I was heartsick. BUT very grateful for the sleeve that helped me control the volume. Thus I slowly gained 30 lbs back over six months. To a normal person that is a huge gain in a short time. To this food addict, and lots of other food addicts I am certain, it is a small amount over a huge length of time. One binge in the past could net me a 10 lb. weight gain overnight.

I’ve written two other blog posts today having to do with seeing this film and my current health issues so I won’t repeat myself here. It feels good to finally be able to admit what is going on in my life and to come to a resolution to stop it and get back on track to good health and progress again. I am still me, a food addict in recovery from sugar addiction and profound morbid obesity, making progress not perfection.

Weight Loss 130 LBS

Weight Loss 130 LBS

1 Comment

  1. I like what you said about progress, not perfection. Cause none of us are perfect. We’re all going to slip up. But there is hope, and the important thing is to have heart, to keep going.
    Thank you for sharing.

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