Lesbianne Musings

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Missing “her” Again Blues – Ended Empath/Narcissist Relationship

I am missing “her” again today.

But even worse I am ruminating all the hurtful things.
Disrespectful things she said to me,
“You are not as nice of a person as you think you are”.
“No, I won’t understand. I don’t want to understand.”
“I don’t want to listen to your bullshit”
“This is my house and I don’t have to listen to you talking in my house.”
“I can just walk away from you without ever looking back. Does 5 marriages tell you anything?”
Suspicious – it often seemed to me that “her” was examining me looking for something that wasn’t there. She seemed suspicious of me. Conversation with her often wasn’t open and quick. I would say something and she would examine me – why I don’t know –  looking for hidden stuff?
I think “her” wasn’t accustomed to interacting with genuinely nice people. Kind. Trustworthy. Sincere. Open. Honest. I think she had a lot of untrustworthy people in her life. I’m far from perfect and not always easy to get along with but I AM open, honest, kind, caring, trustworthy, giving and sincere.
“her” would often say to me “I love who you are” even after she broke up with me. She often said to me that she loved how compassionate I was with others and that she wanted to learn that for herself.
Just writing this out seems to be making it worse. My stomach hurts again and I have the fear surges again and I feel pain and hurt again. I thought getting it out of my head might help.
I now suspect from things she said at the time that “her” had knowledge and understanding of the personality/relationship dynamics that went on between us that I didn’t yet have and that she didn’t and wouldn’t share that with me is unconscionable. We are both well educated and both have worked hard in therapy and recovery for years.
I knew I was a co-dependent. It is funny but “her” kept describing relationship dynamics that I wasn’t feeling with her that she said she was feeling – characteristics of addicted or unhealthy relationships. Now that I’ve done research and reading aplenty I think she knew that we had the toxic empath/narcissist thing going on. I didn’t know that at the time. I know it now.
The irony is I think had she been able to be more open and honest and more vulnerable, and since both of us are in recovery in our lives, we might have been able to continue to do the healing that can only be done while in a relationship with someone who is sensitive and caring to each others’ plights. I don’t know if it could ever happen between us but it is a moot point now. (I must say that both of us were giving to each other in the area of our lives that reflected our individual career choices and experiences. She was a college professor and helped me with some research and understanding of a complicated issue I was dealing with. I was a nurse and naturally did “nursey” things for her.)
Only she said things like “I don’t have anything more to give to this relationship. I’ve given everything I have”. What did she think she gave? I don’t understand. Overall I am the one that did the majority of the giving to support her in her life transitional endeavors – helped her get ready to enter art shows, helped her write her disability letter, helped her with housework, laundry and food prep at her place so she could keep working in her studio. Giving her long therapeutic back rubs. I do understand that doing all one can do or giving all one can give doesn’t mean there isn’t more to be done; it just means that person reached their limits.
I think “her” was on a seesaw trying to find the balance between being independent and doing for herself – and allowing someone else to help her.
I also think she is someone who would readily take advantage of another’s kindness all the while protesting because it didn’t feel quite right to her but she really really wanted it done even though she really wanted independence.
I can never trust her again because of her shutting down and shutting me out  – refusing communication in any form – also she would not have face/face closure with me. I do also think she had a lot of fear of getting sucked into something unhealthy and mucky and didn’t have the faith that we could get through it. Since we had the “trigger/react” dynamic that reared its ugly head between us perhaps we could never get through it and continue to be healthy whole individuals. Perhaps it is best left undone.
She was very much an I, I, I person while all the while telling me that certain things were now we, we, we since we were in a relationship.
Fuck, I don’t want to stir all this up again – I feel so much rumbling just below the surface.
I’m feeling bitter and angry and disappointed. I’m especially feeling disappointed in myself because I totally lost my cool with her at one point.
I don’t want to keep doing this – what happened is what happened. It is in the past. It is over. Done. Finished.
Now I feel like I can never be in a healthy relationship. I will always be a trauma survivor. I will always be sensitive to controlling behaviors, and I may always be reactive. Sad.
Enough.
FREE to BE

FREE to BE

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