Lesbianne Musings

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Messed Up or What? Seriously

I really hope people contact me with ideas and thoughts re this post. You can reach me by responding to this blog post, on facebook IM, email or phone.

The “Good-bye Flowers” email I got yesterday and blogged about put me in a tizzy. I’m strong about respecting others choices but I’m human and love and care for my friends, too, and don’t want to lose any of them.

All that being said, I called my friend this morning, the one who sent me that good-bye email yesterday. She answered and was upbeat and cheerful. It appears she is saying good-bye to me from her life because I’ve moved into a place of wellness and wholeness. Personally whole and well are the type of friends I prefer to invite into my  life nowadays, as whole and well as we humans can manage, you understand, as none of us are perfect, or can maintain that even if we achieve it for a moment.

I think all of this relates to the fact that I am an Empath, and unbeknownst to me until very recently I used to be attracted to and get involved in close relationships with Narcissists. In the last 5 years I’ve attempted to have 2 intimate relationships, both with Narcissists although I didn’t know that at the time. I learned that recently by reading posts from Elephant Journal online on that topic. Now that I know it I will never knowingly get myself into a close relationship again with a Narcissist. I’m sure I will initially continue to be attracted to them but hopefully my mind and memory will not fail me, not even if my heart cries out loudly to “help this person”.

As an Empath, that means I live my life from the focus of “others”, I have needed to be a positive, helpful person in the lives of others all of my life. I am the oldest child of 5 plus, I am/was a nurse, I was raised in a fundamentalist Protestant “Christian” church with a huge emphasis on sin and redemption. I lived my life always trying to be “good” and “nice”. I say “Christian” in quotations because I have a much different understanding of that word in my older adulthood than I did in all my previous years.

Do I still want to be helpful to others? Kindness, empathy and compassion are a basic part of my nature and I want to keep that and honor that. But I want to do it from a perspective of understanding that I must be true to myself and take care of my own needs first. I dream to share the rest of my life with a healthy and whole person, each of us happy alone, each of us able to choose an intimate relationship from the place of wanting to do so rather than needing to do so. Until then I shall focus on my own health and wellness, my spiritual growth, and giving service to others from the place of fullness rather than neediness.

WHITE ROSE C

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