Lesbianne Musings

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My Heart Speaks

Today is the first time I’ve felt the urge to write. I wrote and posted this piece on my private facebook page which is where I record my recovery from addiction and depression since early 2011. This is a new beginning perhaps.

Anne Wing
2 mins · Rockland, ME
There is beauty all around me which I appreciate every day.
Today my heart is aching and I am suffering great pain. Some times I am not so grateful for the way things are but I recognize all my experiences are gifts and lessons.
One of my biggest decisions to make on a daily basis is whether to stop or go on. At my age and with the tome of life experiences I have behind me I am exhausted and long to rest.
More than anything I long to have the arms of my beloved holding me and caring for me as would also be mutual if my life were the way I most desire. Spiritually I know I am held in tender loving arms but sometimes that doesn’t feel enough.
Today I’ve decided to simply “let go” and “be”. I am sad, I am tired, I am depressed, I am lonely. I am no more alone than is any other human – perhaps I feel it more because of my history of abandonment and intense desire to be loved and wanted.
I am enjoying my one cup of morning coffee, greatly. I am grateful I could get online and am now writing to you my beloved F5ers as for hours today I merely wanted to stay in bed and do nothing, nothing, nothing.
SPT encouraged me to write about how my depression feels, long ago in 2nd week of Boot Camp. Today I feel naked and exposed in the big houses as I feel I’ve been too transparent and I fear judgement and negative criticism. Thank you, God, I have my dear MMG page to write on and my beloved F5 sisters to cry to – I am grateful.
When I am suffering great pain and I feel I cannot go on because of wrongs or perceived wrongs or slights I often remind myself – “look what Jesus went through. He loved and accepted everyone and look at how He suffered. He still loved and accepted everyone AND forgave them “for they know not what they do”. Surely I can get through my mere tiny pain and suffering to go on one more day. Surely.
We are all so very human. We all are children of God. We all are imperfectly perfect. We all long for love and acceptance. We are here in human form as spiritual beings to learn lessons and to be here to love and support each other. We all suffer.
Thank you dear ones for being here. I love each of you. ❤
Addition- a few days ago I was experiencing a healing with Reiki, Sanskrit chanting, and Peaceful Quiet. An image I visualized was my protector, Archangel Michael, at the back of my heart chakra and my healer, Archangel  Raphael at the front of my heart chakra – I was surrounded with Light Beings and Healers, including a little red bird flitting about. I looked to my right and Jesus was there in a white sari. He leaned over and kissed my forehead. I felt a rush of pure love and peace. I love these states of near bliss when I experience them which isn’t all that often; I’d like to live there. The world is often not a kind place; often fear takes the lead and we all suffer. When Love is allowed in there is peace and bliss. I am blessed.
A most human experience. This morning I had nineteen dollars and change in my checking account, my total earthly value. I read yet another of dozens of emails telling me my lesbianne.com domain is due to expire. After writing the above I spontaneously and impulsively clicked “renew”. Now I have one dollar and change until next month but I am happy and joyed as I do believe writing is one thing I am meant to do here on Earth while I am here. If I reach one person in a positive way it will all have been worth it.

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