Lesbianne Musings

Welcome. I love feedback. Love is the answer. Peace , Love and Acceptance. Peace! !

Celebration Health and Wellness

This is a copy of a facebook post on my private page – to document parts of my healing and recovery journey from life long food addiction and major depression:

Celebration Health and Wellness

RE my Weight Loss Journey – the original reason for this page ūüôā

UPDATE – HW – 384 – LW – 247 –
regained up to 292
CW – 272
My 3rd year anniversary June 10, 2016 – it is incredible to me that I can still wear the same clothes I did last summer.
It’s been since end April since I’ve posted about weight loss.
I am so grateful to have found an Online Food Addiction Program that is working very well for me –
In Feb 2016 I was in despair because I’d regained 40 plus lbs and felt so out of control.
Then I watched a series of free videos and took a susceptibility quiz re addictive foods – THEN I signed up for an 8 week boot camp that I took for 10 weeks.
The 8 weeks of intensive support and 24 hour online access allowed me to once again go through sugar and flour detox, and get back on track with a food plan – modified for my “sleeve”, and pick up tools once again to help me get back on track.
The program is called Bright Line Eating. And Susan Peirce Thompson, Phd who founded the program is a 13 yr recovering food addict and a brain scientist who can and does explain the brain chemistry of sugar addiction.

https://rq263.isrefer.com/go/j16quiz/AnneBLEMaine/

https://rq263.isrefer.com/go/j16v1/AnneBLEMaine/

http://susanpeircethompson.com/2015/01/birth-bright-line-eating/


I feel so happy again and so hopeful as I watch the scale go down again and have resumed my physical activity.
If you would like to ask questions please IM me and I’m happy to chat with you. Or just ask me here – I am very open. I am “Anne Wing” from Rockland, ME, USA on my facebook page and my email address is annelwing@gmail.com .¬†

ANNE May 2014

137 lb weight loss

DECEMBER 2010 WEIGHT 384 LBS

My highest weight – 384 – Dec.2010

ANNE August2014 at Callyns party

Fall 2014 Рand current weight  Р270 lbs

My Heart Speaks

Today is the first time I’ve felt the urge to write. I wrote and posted this piece on my private facebook page which is where I record my recovery from addiction and depression since early 2011. This is a new beginning perhaps.

Anne Wing
2 mins · Rockland, ME
There is beauty all around me which I appreciate every day.
Today my heart is aching and I am suffering great pain. Some times I am not so grateful for the way things are but I recognize all my experiences are gifts and lessons.
One of my biggest decisions to make on a daily basis is whether to stop or go on. At my age and with the tome of life experiences I have behind me I am exhausted and long to rest.
More than anything I long to have the arms of my beloved holding me and caring for me as would also be mutual if my life were the way I most desire. Spiritually I know I am held in tender loving arms but sometimes that doesn’t feel enough.
Today I’ve decided to simply “let go” and “be”. I am sad, I am tired, I am depressed, I am lonely. I am no more alone than is any other human – perhaps I feel it more because of my history of abandonment and intense desire to be loved and wanted.
I am enjoying my one cup of morning coffee, greatly. I am grateful I could get online and am now writing to you my beloved F5ers as for hours today I merely wanted to stay in bed and do nothing, nothing, nothing.
SPT encouraged me to write about how my depression feels, long ago in 2nd week of Boot Camp. Today I feel naked and exposed in the big houses as I feel I’ve been too transparent and I fear judgement and negative criticism. Thank you, God, I have my dear MMG page to write on and my beloved F5 sisters to cry to – I am grateful.
When I am suffering great pain and I feel I cannot go on because of wrongs or perceived wrongs or slights I often remind myself – “look what Jesus went through. He loved and accepted everyone and look at how He suffered. He still loved and accepted everyone AND forgave them “for they know not what they do”. Surely I can get through my mere tiny pain and suffering to go on one more day. Surely.
We are all so very human. We all are children of God. We all are imperfectly perfect. We all long for love and acceptance. We are here in human form as spiritual beings to learn lessons and to be here to love and support each other. We all suffer.
Thank you dear ones for being here. I love each of you. ‚̧
Addition- a few days ago I was experiencing a healing with Reiki, Sanskrit chanting, and Peaceful Quiet. An image I visualized was my protector, Archangel Michael, at the back of my heart chakra and my healer, Archangel ¬†Raphael at the front of my heart chakra – I was surrounded with Light Beings and Healers, including a little red bird flitting about. I looked to my right and Jesus was there in a white sari. He leaned over and kissed my forehead. I felt a rush of pure love and peace. I love these states of near bliss when I experience them which isn’t all that often; I’d like to live there. The world is often not a kind place; often fear takes the lead and we all suffer. When Love is allowed in there is peace and bliss. I am blessed.
A most human experience. This morning I had nineteen dollars and change in my checking account, my total earthly value. I read yet another of dozens of emails telling me my lesbianne.com domain is due to expire. After writing the above I spontaneously and impulsively clicked “renew”. Now I have one dollar and change until next month but I am happy and joyed as I do believe writing is one thing I am meant to do here on Earth while I am here. If I reach one person in a positive way it will all have been worth it.

New Year’s Eve 2015

 

Watch Night Р http://www.postandcourier.com/article/20111231/PC1602/312319963

And from my facebook page:

Happy New Year to all. May 2016 bring you many blessings, much joy and peace of mind and heart.

Just below ¬†(above)I posted a piece about “Watch Night”. It is about the history of the celebration of this night among the African-American people and churches – this was written about the Charleston, SC area – Deeply moving tradition. I hope you might read it and feel deeply, too.

When I was growing up the church my family attended used to celebrate “Watch Night” from 9pm to 12A midnight every New Year’s Eve with each hour a different activity. It is good to have such a pleasant memory from that church and that time in my life. One hour was a meal, the last hour was a candlelight service and I cannot remember the third hour.

PEACE! H O P E! LOVE!

In honor of tonight being New Year’s Eve I am thinking I should write a blog post tonight, especially as I’ve not written in ages. I wish to acknowledge the ending of 2015 during which I suffered much, and to acknowledge the HOPE of a New Year to start in a few hours, 2016.

My intention is to let go of the old and I’ve been sweeping away old “stuff” from the corners of my mind and heart as well as de-cluttering and getting rid of “stuff” from my home. My wish is to live as a minimalist and it feels great to shed layers – the sweeping is work and tiring by the end of that leaves me feeling more open each time.

The greatest surprise and joy in 2015 was the arrival of my little poodle, Rusty. He came to me end of May, 5 days after his owner since puppyhood died. This was all very traumatic for him and he suffers from separation anxiety – sometimes I suffer with him in reaction to his pain. We have made progress. He can now ride in a car without continuous shrieking. He needs a lot of attention and frequent “outs” sometimes but he is a lot better than the first time I tried to take him on a trip.

He is teaching me lessons – especially patience, also endurance of another’s pain without becoming crippled by it so that I may be present to him and helpful to him. He is a stoic little guy. He is happy, intelligent, playful, loving, sometimes willful, sometimes eager to please especially for his favorite treat, often clownish.

My angst with him has occasionally been so great that I’ve considered putting him into Poodle Rescue but I manage to get through those times – they give me reason to use the coping skills I have with which to manage my own anxiety. We manage to get through the tough times together – always comes peaceful loving times which bless us both, and make me ever so grateful that he came into my life.

I’m looking forward to taking a college course beginning Jan. 20 – will be the first course I’ve taken in 15 years. This will be another time of transition for Rusty and for myself ¬†as it will be another opportunity to strengthen my own perseverance and commitment schools as I have no car and will have to rely on sometimes unreliable public transportation here.

I don’t seem able to come up with anything profound tonight and I don’t feel very inspired to write. I hope my inspiration will return soon.

 

Arti-Hindu-Ceremony-of-Light LAMP

Why I Must Keep on Writing (blogging)

Haven’t written a blog page in a while. Read an inspiring blog piece today by a young male Aussie writer that was passed on to me by another blogger. I decided I need to put more effort into writing – even consider – gleeps – perhaps some kind of regular commitment to my writing.

Thank you “GreatnessViaPassion”, an Aussie and thank you “MainelyButch”, another Mainer (isn’t the Internet an awesome thing? I can meet folks from all over the world! ! ! ).

Here is a link to the piece:

http://greatnessviapassion.com/2015/11/10/the-most-important-reason-why-you-should-keep-blogging/#comment-573

This is the inspirational quote from that blog:

‚ÄėIf we all inspired just¬†one person every day, just one,¬†imagine how different the world would look a few years from now.‚Äô

That sentiment, exactly that, to perhaps touch even just one other person’s life in a positive way has inspired me in making several important decisions in my own personal life.

Here are some:

ONE – take nurses aide training to achieve my CNA to make at least one elderly person’s life better for one moment. The event behind this was my grandfather was hospitalized and in my opinion treated poorly in that hospital. It made me angry and while there wasn’t much I could do to change his experience when the opportunity came along to take this training this was my reason for doing so.

TWO – My CNA career lead me down the path to further education and I got my LPN, Licensed Practical Nurse, then my RN. As an RN I wanted to specialize in Women’s Health, and especially to work in the OB/GYN, mostly the OB, department in my hospital. After I fulfilled my post-RN contract with the hospital of working one year in off hours on a Med/Surg floor – Medical/Surgical floor I decided to pursue OB training ¬†– Obstetrics – and was hired for that position. The inspiration for that was my own 2 previous experiences of giving birth – both had been less than desirable for different reasons – this would be another blog piece – and I wanted to make the birthing experience much more positive and supported for other single women giving birth.

THREE – I was in an abusive relationship and marriage for 7 years from ages 23-30. I learned first hand about the dance of Domestic Violence behavior – though at that time that theory hadn’t even been put out to the public. When I finally got free I wanted to reach out to other abused women to help them to get out of their abusive marriages. I met a woman who had already begun pursuing the possibility of starting a program in our own area of Maine. I joined her and with 5 other women, eventually, we went on to found the program in Rockland, Maine called “New Hope for Women, Inc.” The program started out as a 24/7 telephone line in her home and since 1980 has grown phenomenally, and provides services now to abused women and children, also educating and support of all the involved ¬†helping professions such as Law, Health, and Mental Health, and also offers Safe Homes and extended assistance – they operate by grants and donations. There are also services for abusers.

Those are the 3 major issues I remember at the moment. I’ve overcome in my life many other challenges, all of which I’d like to lend support and encouragement to people currently going through them. Some of those could include, rape and incest, unwed motherhood (quaint phrase in this day and age – huh?!), breast cancer, acoustic neuroma, a lifelong and life threatening food addiction with treatment, recovery and a successful WLS Weight Loss Surgery, acute and chronic mental health issues – PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, Recurring Suicidality, and who knows what else. The list only to remind myself, and admit to others that my life is full of Grace and experience and I have much Love, Hope, and Encouragement to offer to others.

BTW – some time ago I blogged about wanting to become a Life Coach and focus on Health, Wellness, Nutrition, and Obesity Recovery. I am now enrolled in the local college and will be taking my first returning student college class in January, 2016, in Human Nutrition. Then if I decide I really want to become a college student again I will enroll and go for a 4 year degree in Liberal Studies, thus giving myself the freedom to chose my own courses to best support my career desires. I already have about one third of the credits I need, and I am applying for VRS – Vocational Rehabilitation Services again to help support my return to work after a long time away due to recurring illnesses and healing. I am now well and eager to move forward with my life’s work! YAY! Thank you, God in all forms.

ANNE August2014 at Callyns party

RE-Blog on Gratitude to Those Who Support Us…

…and Make Us Happy! ! !

Many thank yous to the author of the blog The Seeds 4 Life which I find most inspirational!

http://www.theseeds4life.com/let-us-be-grateful-to-people-who-make-us-happy-they-are-the-charming-gardeners-who-make-our-souls-blossom-marcel-proust

OK, folks, I think I’ve finally pulled the pieces together – my life experiences, my skills, my knowledge, my willingness to keep on growing and learning. I have a passion for learning and a proclivity for teaching – I am going to apply for a Yoga Teacher Training certificate. I think that might just be the “cement” to help me pull it altogether – life coaching, Reiki, RN medical, nutrition, health and wellness knowledge, writing, long term recovery from food addiction, and victory over a number of life threatening illnesses, recurrent cancer and recurrent major depression being two, ¬†plus a passion for spiritual growth and yogic living.
It is expensive but I really want to do this – I have a big longing to Pay it Forward and help other mid-older age adults with morbid obesity and a strong desire to improve their lives.
So I’m going to apply for a scholarship so I can take the training, but need a full scholarship which might not be doable – another fb friend suggested I do something called Go Fund Me – what do you think?
Need to go fill out that scholarship application Рplease think positive thoughts for The Highest and Greatest Good for me and those I would come in contact with for which to give service. 

I first studied and practiced Yoga in 1994 when I attended a week-long workshop in Energy Training at Kripalu Yoga Center in the Berkshires in western MA. I fell in love with Kripalu Gentle Yoga ¬†– a form of Hatha Yoga – and felt I’d finally come home. I went out to Kripalu looking for further connections to spiritual growth and understanding. At that time I was suffering a relapse from food addiction and depression, for which I first went to inpatient treatment in 1988 At Glenbeigh in Tampa, FL. It was to be a long road and a long search, and I’m glad I did not know that at the time.

I knew it was Spiritual Connection for which I longed and sought. I’d been raised in a fundamentalist tradition that preached hellfire and brimstone every time they spoke from the pulpit. Intuitively I knew that God was Love but I just didn’t know where to find my heart’s desire. I tried many organized denominations, and other forms of Spiritual Practice – many gave me something but none gave me what I most needed UNTIL I found Kripalu Yoga and Bhakti Yoga Practice.

The words of the Sacred Sanskrit Chants as they are translated into English are unspeakably beautiful heart-filling to spilling over, and uplifting. . Devotional Chanting touches me in a way no other Spiritual Practice ever has. Here are some of the words from one of my favorite chanters of Bhakti Devotion – Krishna Das.

Wander wild and homeless
All roads lead to you.
Riding wind and laughing at the moon.
Don’t know who or what I am
In your arms the while.
Face of babe before it knows to smile.
My heart wrapped in your blanket sky.
We’re here but there’s no trace.
Everywhere I turn you kiss my face

“Mother Song” from “Pilgrim Heart” Krishna Das – fb page –¬†https://www.facebook.com/KrishnaDasMusic?fref=ts

Krishna Das and Ram Dass are my two favorite spiritual teachers from this tradition. Both have amazing stories and histories, both traveled to India to find their Spiritual Heart. It has never seemed like something I would do to travel to India – many reasons, heat and humidity, allergies and chronic health conditions being some, never to mention my size and coloring. (A friend of mine, similar size and color and height – tall for a woman – had a trip to India to an area where the indigents had never seen whites. She recalls, to my horror, stories of the curious natives staring at her and poking her in wonder and amazement. No, not for me.) But then we westerners who come into contact with the Yogi teachers are most fortunate in that we don’t have to travel to the tropics to find and appreciate their gifts.

During my visits to Kripalu I attended a number of Sacred Devotional Services called Satsanga with a chanter and several musical instruments. The chanter leads and the audience responds – so beautiful. One of the most beautiful parts of the Sacred Service is a Ceremony of Light called Arti. (Arti is most akin to the western tradition of a communion service using different pathways and different tools, in my opinion.) It is thought among many that Jesus was a Guru. It is very possible in His time that He actually was a Guru – teacher and healer of the Spirit). The Ceremony of Light, Arti, spills Light from a special Oil Lamp over all the audience, and deeply touched my heart.

There are lots of chants and sacred ceremonies on the Internet if you’d like to “Google” for them. Here is one:

http://londonmandir.baps.org/worship/arti-the-hindu-ceremony-of-light/

The first time I experienced Arti I was nearly overcome with emotion, relief and a shower over me of Unconditional Love.

So people who know me may be somewhat confused by my spirituality and my spiritual practices. I consider myself to be non-denominational, ecumenical, Interfaith, and open-minded, open-hearted. I am a Christian and belong to the United Church of Christ, an open and affirming tradition that combines Methodist and Congregationalist and sometimes  other Protestant traditions. To me being a Christian means Love and Acceptance. The UCC is a world religion with a web site

http://www.ucc.org/

I was so happy when I found them. Other spiritual practices that are important to me are attending and practicing The Twelve Steps of AA and other 12 step groups, Reiki and Yoga. I believe it is only by willingness to fully open my heart that I was able to find solace and comfort for my heart and soul, and by this same means ¬†I long to go out “into the world” and Pay it Forward to others. Namaste.

ARTI LAMP

Arti-Hindu-Ceremony-of-Light LAMP

Namaste

Loneliness and Acceptance

     Where you ARE be okay with it

Loneliness is something I have struggled and suffered with most of my life. The first time I remember feeling that deep empty place in my middle I was in high school. I used to love to walk facing into the wind. Something about the wind blowing on me and into my face felt like it was touching deep inside, and like I was being “aired out”, and when I would come in from a brisk walk I was in a better frame of mind.

It is true that we come alone into this world, and though others may be there to greet us, and also to say “good-by” when we exit, we leave this world alone, too. A long time friend crossed the threshold yesterday after a lengthy and painful struggle with breast cancer. She was surrounded by loving friends who were quietly singing sacred chants as she wanted. I am sad to lose yet another friend but I am so relieved she is no longer suffering. I don’t think any of us wish our loved ones to linger in those circumstances.

When I got the news I spent some time thinking about what I know about death and dying. I’ve attended many adults dying in my nursing career. That has been a long learning process for me. I’ve also lost some close family members. The first death I witnessed was an elderly woman who also died of breast cancer and I felt very sad. She was a favorite of mine in long term care. I had a lot of learning to do and many experiences to live through between then and now. I must say it is a blessing to both attend a birth and a dying. There is much rejoicing at a healthy lusty baby arriving in this world, but the passage into death is usually accompanied by quiet and somber mood and tears, and often thankful relief. The first birth I attended I shed copious tears, too, of joy! But never have I yet witnessed joy at a dying.

I do believe I have a life purpose and that I am still finding my way. I used to always have at least one best friend in my life and always longed to be part of a couple when I was single. I’ve learned one can be part of a couple, or part of any gathering or group and still feel lonely and alone. I lived in a like-minded community of adults one time and thrived however by the end of my tenure my loneliness had returned. There is no lonelier feeling to me than to be among those who love me and feel that deep yearning of loneliness.

Last night I had my most recent experience. I spent an evening with a very close friend, one who I often confide in. Through life circumstances this dear friend has come to be the platonic roommate of the woman from whom I am most recently and painfully separated. We did enjoyable activities, dinner, movie, a tad bit of shopping and an ice cream treat. As the evening wore on the yearning inside of me grew as I experienced a need to confide my relationship pain for some words of wisdom from my friend, and for sake of good, healthy boundaries was unable to do this with her. ¬†The inspirational quote posted above “Be okay with where you are. You are there for a reason…” kept showing up behind my eyelids. I am grateful, even a bit proud of myself, for maintaining healthy boundaries as I adhered to this reminder. I became deeply sad as I experienced the full weight of my loss. Then I began to move more toward a more peaceful place of acceptance.

For some reason I am meant to be experiencing the fullness of my aloneness and my loneliness here on this Earth, and to be living it at this moment. This morning upon waking I’d become willing, and I gave in and “turned it all over” to God. Please, God, take this burden of pain and suffering from me. Whatever is your will for my life please show me the path and remove any obstacles, and I will follow. As I often do when overwhelmed with psychic pain I briefly wanted to follow Robin Williams, but I rejected that and agreed to stay.

It is no secret that I have a longing to be of service to the population of “super morbidly obese” adults who desperately want to change their lives. Through writing and verbalizing my own life experiences the desire grows. At first I thought a book was the way, but it doesn’t seem to be coming together, so perhaps not. Some of my other strengths have been ¬†teaching, and sharing with others my personal experiences. I’ve wanted to pull together my skills, life experiences, interests and passions for some time now. A Yogini friend of mine has encouraged me to look into obtaining a YTT certificate. As I have a long passion for yoga, and a personal affinity for Gentle Yoga, Restorative Yoga, and Chair Yoga it seems like a good thing to do. However the program itself, plus room and board, is very expensive, and seems humanly un-doable to me at this time. So, I said a prayer out loud to The Universe, if it is meant to be please show me the way and remove any obstacles so that I may be of service to those still hurting and suffering. We will see. So be it. Namaste.

As a post script I want to include that my maternal grandmother to whom I felt very close suffered a very terrible loneliness in her life. She had episodes of severe depression, and also a lot of losses from her life by the time she reached 89 years at the time of her death.

Through my search and research for spiritual meaning and understanding in my life I’ve come to believe the intense yearning, often referred to as emptiness inside, or loneliness, is a personal longing for “home”, for “God”, to return home from whence we came. That makes sense to me especially as I believe we came from a place of Great Light and Unconditional Love. Though there is much beauty to appreciate in this world, on our Earth, there also is a lot of despair. Why would we not yearn to return to Unconditional Love?

Namaste

Food Addiction and WLS

Good Monday Morning, Blog Readers,

Food Addiction and Weight Loss Surgery – I had WLS – VSG – vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy “sleeve” on June 13, 2013 and though it isn’t easy i would do it again in a heartbeat! )

Another summer weekend passed and we are expected to have a week of sunny 70s weather – anyone want to come to coastal Maine for a visit? wink emoticon
I was talking with another sleever this weekend and afterward reflected on what seems to be a common theme when food addicts have WLS. The focus on weight loss becomes so high that we/I forget sometimes what is the underlying problem – food addiction. For after the weight loss is stabilized I will be facing myself and my food addiction behaviors plain as day, if not before, as I’m dealing with now at 2 years 2 months out. No I cannot eat a whole bag of baby carrots, even if I could w a sleeve, just because it won’t cause me to gain weight for that would activate the food addiction behavior of stuffing, maybe even bingeing.
I was given a food plan to follow post-operatively for just that reason – to help me to address stopping my food addiction behaviors and to support my building a new relationship with food. For me at this stage that includes weighing and measuring the 5 small meals a day with the focus on protein, water and veggies, one day at a time, daily. Of course I do not expect to do this perfectly for I am human, but I now have the ideal plan in my hand, and lots of support to continue onward in a healthy manner with my health being my overall important goal.
I’ve had to acknowledge that all along my own food addiction voice was chattering in the background with plans of “now I will be able to eat breads and sweets in one portion sizes” etc – other food addicts know the voice I’m talking about…wrong! I can never again safely eat any of my personal binge foods as if I do it will set up the cravings again. One of the most miserable feelings I’ve ever experienced was the one where I ate cookies until I was full, stopped due to sleeve, yet the craving and urge to eat more and more was fierce. I had the insight that if I followed that crazy addiction urge I could easily become bulimic right here and now. Did I want that? No way! not even so I could eat sweets. What I want more than anything else is sanity. Sane behaviors around food leads to peace for this recovering food addict.
The one book that comes to mind that was most helpful to me in understanding the phenomenon of craving is “Food Addiction: The Body Knows” by Kay Sheppard. It explains that even if we ingest the minutest amount of an addictive food, even without knowing (for me that could be flour or sugar such as in gravies or sauces) the body knows it at the cellular level and the cravings will begin again.
So while significant weight loss is an important goal that I have reached the more important goals are sanity around food and good health. All for now and off to enjoy this beautiful day. You have a good day, too! smile emoticon

Highest Weight  - End Dec. 2010 - 384 lbs.

  Highest Weight РEnd Dec. 2010 Р384 lbs.

Anne and Rusty

Today May 2015
Miniature Poodle Therapy Dog with Author

Messed Up or What? Seriously

I really hope people contact me with ideas and thoughts re this post. You can reach me by responding to this blog post, on facebook IM, email or phone.

The “Good-bye Flowers” email I got yesterday and blogged about put me in a tizzy. I’m strong about respecting others choices but I’m human and love and care for my friends, too, and don’t want to lose any of them.

All that being said, I called my friend this morning, the one who sent me that good-bye email yesterday. She answered and was upbeat and cheerful. It appears she is saying good-bye to me from her life because I’ve moved into a place of wellness and wholeness. Personally whole and well are the type of friends I prefer to invite into my ¬†life nowadays, as whole and well as we humans can manage, you understand, as none of us are perfect, or can maintain that even if we achieve it for a moment.

I think all of this relates to the fact that I am an Empath, and unbeknownst to me until very recently I used to be attracted to and get involved in close relationships with Narcissists. In the last 5 years I’ve attempted to have 2 intimate relationships, both with Narcissists although I didn’t know that at the time. I learned that recently by reading posts from Elephant Journal online on that topic. Now that I know it I will never knowingly get myself into a close relationship again with a Narcissist. I’m sure I will initially continue to be attracted to them but hopefully my mind and memory will not fail me, not even if my heart cries out loudly to “help this person”.

As an Empath, that means I live my life from the focus of “others”, I have needed to be a positive, helpful person in the lives of others all of my life. I am the oldest child of 5 plus, I am/was a nurse, I was raised in a fundamentalist Protestant “Christian” church with a huge emphasis on sin and redemption. I lived my life always trying to be “good” and “nice”. I say “Christian” in quotations because I have a much different understanding of that word in my older adulthood than I did in all my previous years.

Do I still want to be helpful to others? Kindness, empathy and compassion are a basic part of my nature and I want to keep that and honor that. But I want to do it from a perspective of understanding that I must be true to myself and take care of my own needs first. I dream to share the rest of my life with a healthy and whole person, each of us happy alone, each of us able to choose an intimate relationship from the place of wanting to do so rather than needing to do so. Until then I shall focus on my own health and wellness, my spiritual growth, and giving service to others from the place of fullness rather than neediness.

WHITE ROSE C

.

I

Good-Bye

Good – Bye Flowers
This morning I got an email from a friend saying this is good-bye and her day of liberation. Ending her life? I don’t know.
Maybe this sounds cold but I believe one has a right to choose one’s exit date. In my age group and older lots of us have chronic health issues, many quite unpleasant with grim prognoses, failing bodies, disappointment and loneliness, mental and emotional pain stronger than the affected one can bear.
I know the thoughts of suicide generate overwhelming negative emotions, judgement and fear among many. Who am I to judge?
In some circles to which I am part the saying goes around that “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” – That saying has always bothered me. If that is true why is our suicide rate so high? I am deeply sad still over Robin Williams leaving, and if this friend leaves I will miss her a lot, but I’ve been there, contemplating and were it not for a millisecond ray of hope that hit me each time I would no longer be here either. On the other side of that, though, I am so grateful to be alive to experience one more beautiful Maine Sea Summer Day, and the joy of my dog’s cold nose against my cheek while he snuffles sweet nothings in my ear.
Peace. Love. Joy. XO ‚̧

Good-Bye, dear friend. Parting is such sweet sorrow. I will miss you! Bon Voyage! XO

Good Bye Flowers

Thoughts on Abortion – Breaking Silence

This morning I found a facebook post with a story from The Daily Kos. I noticed that link is a facebook reference which means not everyone can access it. However The Daily Kos is an Internet journal so by Googling the subject probably the story can be found.

This is the gist of the story:

“”I do not believe that just because you’re opposed to abortion, that that makes you pro-life. In fact, I think in many cases, your morality is deeply lacking if all you want is a child born but not a child fed, not a child educated, not a child housed. And why would I think that you don’t? Because you don’t want any tax money to go there. That’s not pro-life. That’s pro-birth. We need a much broader conversation on what the morality of pro-life is.”” by Sister Joan Chittister, O. S. B.

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2015/07/30/1407166/-Catholic-Nun-Explains-Pro-Life-In-A-Way-That-May-Stun-The-Masses?detail=facebook

This is my response to that post:

Exactly – I’ve pondered this for a long time, feeling that neither side completely reflects my thinking – am I PRO- Life? Of course, which of us living beings is not? Am I PRO-choice? Of course, which of us wants someone else to make our choices and decisions? Abortion is a very complex issue, and I’ve been troubled by exactly what Sister Joan talks about ie who is going to take care of all the unwanted babies forced into existence? And for one moment I do not believe any woman chooses abortion as birth control though I do sadly acknowledge some women seem to have a callous attitude, I’ve heard it with my own ears – “ah, well there is always abortion….”. As for women choosing more babies so there are more welfare benefits????Try living on only what those benefits give you – decades ago I had that experience, it is merely existing. Do you know the Catholics support their beliefs with the use of Homes for Unwed Mothers connected to support services for mothers who choose to keep their babies, and connected also to adoption services? There also are homes where young, unsupported mothers can live with their only children for at least 2 years or more while they seek to improve their lives with education and job training. Whereas the Protestant fundamentalists rave on about saving the pregnancies where are their support services? And why are their men the most vocal???? And what about women who are raped or incested? Should they be forced to endure a life with a child who is a constant reminder of their horror and trauma? I think not. And should the child be forced to be with a mother who abuses them out of her history of fear and hate? NO! There, I’ve been quiet long enough!

I will acknowledgeable my strong feelings come from personal experiences. However my broad way of thinking about things comes from my personality, thankfully. It doesn’t feel like much of a risk to self-reveal here as only a handful read my blog, but at age 17 I spent 2 months in a Catholic Home for Unwed Mothers. Up to that point it was the happiest and most nurturing living situation I’d ever experienced. No one yelled. Ever. Never ever yelled. The Home was a co-operative community where everyone shared the work and everyone benefitted.

I was incested and that is how I became pregnant. Unfortunately because of my fear I kept silent about that fact, and because of my emotional and mental issues I made a poor choice when I decided to keep the child and retrieved him from foster care when he was 6 weeks old. Only at the moment of retrieval did I learn he was born with developmental problems. I was single. I was living a lie. I had no support. I was on my own to raise this special needs child. I did the best I could at that time but I did it poorly nevertheless. Every time I looked at this child I was overwhelmed with feelings from the incest experience and I was a neglectful and abusive mother. To be fair to myself, that mother was an aspect of my personality that split in two at the time. The other aspect was that of The Loving Mother, the one who kept the child safe, who rescued him, who contacted DHSS and found a foster home for him, the home where he would be loved and accepted as part of a loving family, the home he lives in to this very day, forty plus years later – there is a God – a Divine Love in our Universe. These are the bare facts and this is what motivates my thinking today.

So, aside from all of that, abortion is a complex issue. There is the philosophical side of all of this. My heart cried out I wished I’d had an abortion. (it was illegal then – those are the days of coat hanger abortions and dead mothers.) My mind goes – there are life lessons to learn by all the people involved; there is a reason for everything. And there are those who would do away with Roe vs Wade??? That would put us paces back, closer to the Dark Ages. I think not. We must keep abortion option open as a safe health option, albeit a very sad one. Women’s lives matter. Children’s lives matter, both those unborn as well and especially those already here. What of the mother who died from the coat hanger abortion and left behind 6 already born children, all under the age of 5, or the mother who left behind merely one child? Does any child deserve to become motherless for the sake of saving one who is yet unborn? I think not. Let us be kinder to one another and realize this is a very difficult choice to be made, and a very personal one. What would Jesus do? Would Jesus persecute the mother who chose to live to care for her already born who needed her? I think not. Love is the answer.

Sad Pregnant Woman Unwanted Pregnancy

Sad Pregnant Woman
Unwanted Pregnancy